When you think of Westerns and the Old West in general, your mind likely goes to Clint Eastwood, the desert, horses, and maybe American outlaw Jesse James. When you think of Halloween, you start to think of pumpkins, mummies, vampires, and Frankenstein's monster. (Stay with us here.) By now, most people know about infamous leader of the James-Younger Gang Jesse James, who gained fame through his notorious acts before being gunned down by Robert Ford on April 3, 1882. Or was he? Let's say he survived, and when you're an outlaw that survived his reported killing, one should probably be a little more careful about what their plans are.
But this is Jesse James we're talking about here, which means to hell with logic. It's back to stagecoach robberies, duels, bank robberies, and confronting evil granddaughters of maniacal scientists from Europe. Believe it or not, there just so happens to be a film that explores that very scenario. In that film, James robs stagecoaches, banks, and meets... wait for it... Dr. Frankenstein's evil granddaughter, who has come to the American West to continue her experiments on immigrant children. Readers, welcome to the 1966... classic(?)... Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter.
Dr. Frankenstein Has a Really Weird Granddaughter
It's the 1880s, and what do you do when there just isn't enough lightning in Europe for you to carry out your scientific experiments? You pack up your lab equipment and kidnapped immigrant children to the American West, where there's prairie lightning storms aplenty. This is exactly what Dr. Frankenstein's evil granddaughter Maria Frankenstein (Narda Onyx) and her brother Rudolph (Steven Geray) do, allowing her to continue her experiments by killing the children, replacing their brains with artificial ones, and then reviving them as her slaves. Only she hasn't been all that successful in reviving them, due to Rudolph secretly poisoning the victims to keep them from becoming slaves. Unfortunately, there's only so many places to hide bodies, and they're running out of space. Meanwhile, the Lopez family — Mañuel (Felipe Turich), Nina (Rosa Turich), and their daughter Juanita (Estelita Rodriguez) — pack up and leave town, fearing that whoever is behind the rash of missing children, including their own son, will come for Juanita as well.
As the Lopezes leave town, two gunslingers come in. One is outlaw Jesse James (John Lupton), whose death has been greatly exaggerated, and his henchman, the thick as a brick Hank Tracy (Cal Bolder). They have come to meet Butch Curry (Roger Creed), the leader of a gang of scoundrels known as The Wild Bunch, intending to partner up and stealing a cool $100,000 from the stagecoach. Only one member rats them out, going to the sheriff about the plan for the "Dead or Alive" reward money on Jesse. Having been ratted, only Jesse and Hank escape from the sheriff's ambush. Hank has been seriously wounded, however, but luckily (maybe) they stumble upon the Lopez campsite, where they tend to Hank's wounds and try to catch some sleep. Knowing that Hank is in dire need of medical attention, Juanita, against her parent's wishes, guides the pair to the Frankenstein house, where the kindly Maria agrees to help.
Maria Makes Her Own Igor in 'Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter'
"Kindly" my arse! Maria intends on experimenting on Hank. She sends Jesse to the town pharmacist with a note, a ruse to keep him away as she offs Hank, gives him a shiny new artificial brain, and brings him back to life. Only shirtless and now named Igor (because there has to be an Igor in a Frankenstein film, as per Section 7A of the Monsters on Film Agreement of 1954). Rudolph tries to poison Hank Igor but is caught, and is promptly choked to death by his sister's new pet. Tangent time — forget the space for the kids' bodies, where do they keep the original brains? We digress. It's now back to Jesse we go, where the note Jesse has isn't a prescription, but rather reveals Jesse's identity.
Remember When John Carpenter Directed a Horror Western?
It remains an under-watched entry in John Carpenter's filmography. The sheriff is called, but he's not around, so his newest deputy Lonny (Rayford Barnes), who just happens to be the rat, goes after Jesse. Bad call, tips. Jesse kills him and escapes, only Igor catches him and ties him up. Juanita knows Jesse is in trouble, so she sends the sheriff to the house, but before he can free Jesse, Igor is sent to crush him. With the three distracted, Juanita frees Jesse, only the ever-vigilant Maria sees them and orders Igor to kill Juanita. Only he kills Maria. Oops, that won't look good on his evil sidekick resume. Igor turns his attention to Jesse, but is killed when Juanita uses the sheriff's gun. The next day, Jesse buries Igor Hank (or at least most of him — still no clue where they put all the used brains), then rides off with the sheriff, who survived his struggle with the Mr. Clean of the Old West. The end.
'Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter' Doesn't Make Much Sense
Needless to say, Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter isn't what one would call quality cinema, but rather something Elvira (Cassandra Peterson) might have shown on Elvira's Movie Macabre (and she did!). Jesse James doesn't even meet Frankenstein's daughter, as Maria is his granddaughter. What happened there? Does the evil gene skip a generation? So even before the movie begins it's playing fast and loose with facts. Speaking of facts, Jesse James was pretty dead when he died, so him being alive is pretty ludicrous. In fairness, it's not like the entire film isn't already on the bonkers train. Then there's Hank, Cal Bolder, whose sole purpose in the film is to walk around all Igor-esque, sans a shirt, so his buff physique shows. Children using guns is a little unsettling, even if the shootee is a monster who would not look out of place on the cover of Muscle Insider magazine. And where's the happy ending, where Juanita's brother is found alive? Or at least his brain is found in Maria's brain filing cabinet. Would that have been too much to ask? Just because she's evil doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate orderliness.
Perhaps the craziest thing about Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter is the fact that it isn't the only film to feature an iconic Western outlaw against a monster. An equally dead Western outlaw, no less. Filmed back-to-back over the course of eight days with Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter, Billy the Kid Versus Dracula is an equally so-bad-its-good film, but has the distinction of having a big name actor in the cast: John Carradine, who played Dracula. Of the film, Carradine reportedly said: “I have worked in a dozen of the greatest, and I have worked in a dozen of the worst. I only regret Billy the Kid Versus Dracula. Otherwise, I regret nothing.” As inane a double-bill as there has ever been, both films carry on a tradition that began with 1948's Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein: the "Meet" genre. And that genre belongs to a far more innocent time, when anyone could meet anyone on film. For that reason alone, Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter deserves as much respect as it does ridicule. But not too much, it really does suck.
The Big Picture
- Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter doesn't make much sense, as many plot points don't come together.
- The film plays fast and loose with facts, as Jesse James was supposedly dead and Maria is actually Frankenstein's granddaughter.
- The movie features unsettling scenes of children using guns and doesn't have a happy ending where Juanita's missing brother is found.
