I’m choking. I’m gagging. I’m more clueless than Inspector Clouseau in the dark, under covers, wearing blinders.
Here it is, the first in-town birthday of our First Athlete today, and all the good gift ideas aren’t good enough.
I mean, what do you get Shaquille O’Neal when he already has 44 cars (including a Rolls-Royce with 24-inch “Superman” wheels), a seven-bedroom, $19.2 million home (on Star Island, no less), a loving wife and five children, talent oozing out of his custom-made 22 EEEs and a personality that points out deficiencies in every other sports star?
Think of it. Shaq has the sense of humor Barry Bonds doesn’t.
He has the sense of decorum Randy Moss can’t.
He even has an enjoyment of the public spotlight that Tom Brady, Tim Duncan and Tiger Woods never will added together.
Does he need to lose weight? Nope. Done that.
Need to lose a bad teammate? Nope. Done that.
You’d think someone with his star power and three championship rings would need a double shot of hunger at this point in his career. But you tell me. Does anyone see him not pointing toward the playoffs, ever begging out of action, never keeping his eye on the ring at the end of the rainbow?
I’d get him a dictionary for his birthday, because he sometimes stops in mid-quote to ask, “Is that a word?” Friday night the word was “rivalristic.” As in: “I have my own rivalristic problems in the Eastern Conference.” But you think I’m going to give him a dictionary and stop the flow of such colorful quotes?
Shaq now has a team owner, front office, teammates and a city that appreciate his star power.
He has a young, talented outside complement in Dwyane Wade who isn’t jealous of the spotlight he casts.
And he doesn’t simply have the first real, live, capable backup center in Michael Doleac. This week the Heat gave him a second in Alonzo Mourning.
If it was another big-name star, you might schedule him for cosmetic surgery to gain a smile. But has anyone seen Shaq without a smile for very long?
You’d think, too, he’d have some sort of Big Man Complex, the way Bill Russell (so private), Bill Walton (so drug-hazed) or Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (so selfish) did in their careers. And wasn’t it Wilt Chamberlain who said, “Nobody loves Goliath?” But outside of one person in a Lakers uniform, everyone seems to love Shaq, from opponents to teammates to fans.
Manners? Surely he needs an express order of better manners, right? Well, no. Shaq even says hello to sports writers he hasn’t seen in a while. Calls them by name. Shakes their hands. “Hi, Brian.” “Hi, Tim.” Hi, Ailene.” If I could have a buck for every time I’ve seen an athlete do that in two decades of wandering through locker rooms, I’d have a buck.
Suits? He has a tailor with a staff of five working for him. Shoes? He has a custom mold at an Italian factory and orders 150 to 175 pair a year.
If it was someone else, you might get him a limo so he’d get around in the community just a tad more. But what athlete has been more generous with his time in South Florida than O’Neal? He has been grand marshal of the Winterfest boat parade, Three Kings and Orange Bowl parades. He has headlined a Boys & Girls Club event and flipped the coin before the college football championship. All in his first half-season with the Heat.
Don’t even suggest offering him his own movie (he’s done several), singing on a CD (ditto) or even the services of a cheap, sporadically creative sports writer to offer witty lines for him to use, like how he’s “the biggest thing to this city since Tony Montana.” He thought of that on his own. How’s a guy to compete?
You’d think the gift of self-control would be necessary considering how opponents climb on his back, hatchet his arms, generally act in a manner that would bring assault charges in most games. But he treats them like a kindergarten teacher sloughing off kids.
He might want 10 years off his birthday, but there’s probably no better age to enjoy him than 33. He’s been around long enough for everyone to have a track record worth applauding, mature enough to have a perspective worth quoting, old enough to understand this won’t go on forever and still dominant enough to have a game worth marveling at.
Sure, you could get him a better free-throw percentage. But I don’t know. Maybe that’s just God’s way of keeping him humble.
And so, as I see it, there’s just one thing to give as a birthday gift that he doesn’t have, can’t buy or won’t conjure up on his own.
It’s just a little thing.
You just read it.
Dave Hyde can be reached at .
