1995 film by Tamra Davis
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- Brian Madison: You remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?
Billy Madison: Oh no, you didn't.
Brian Madison: Rock? "r-o-k"?
Billy Madison: Yea, so what's your point?
Brian Madison: r-o-C-k!
Billy Madison: Ohh! The "C" is silent. - Brian Madison: You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...
Billy Madison: Actually I, uh, stole this shirt from Frank.
(Lifts his shirt to show "FRANK" written on the inside)
Brian Madison: Yea, well whatever, it's all my fault. I made a mistake.
(Looks up to see Billy lifting his shirt)
Brian Madison: What? Are you some damned moron? - Billy Madison: (to his Father) I think Crazy Carl is right.
- O'Doyle: (Throws the dodgeball at Billy as he walks on to the playground)
Billy Madison: (Catches the ball one-handed) Now you're all in big, BIG trouble. - Billy Madison: No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? this girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.
- Juanita: Ooh that boy's a fine piece of work all right. He's a fine piece of ass though, too.
- Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.
Billy Madison: Lady, you're scaring us. - Frank: I think Billy and his girlfriend are playing water polo or something.
Jack: Hey, maybe they're playing Marco Polo. Marco.
Frank: Polo. Jeez, that was a great game. - Frank: Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Billy Madison: Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?
Frank: '74.
Billy Madison: Meg Ryan. - Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine. - Billy Madison: I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy Madison: Oh my God. I'll go to school. - Veronica Vaughn: So what's it like, being back in school?
Billy Madison: I don't know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out. - Billy Madison: (singing) Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.
- Frank: (to Billy) When I graduated first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job.
- (after putting dog poop in a paper bag and lighting it on fire on Old Man Clemens' porch)
Billy Madison: Oh my God, Old Man Clemens hates shit.
Frank: Shh, here he comes.
Old Man Clemens: Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara, it's one of those flaming bags again.
Barbara: Don't put it out with your boots, Ted.
Old Man Clemens: Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one's outta control.
(Old Man Clemens steps on the bag, then lifts up his boot and smells)
Old Man Clemens: Eck, poop again.
Billy Madison: He called the shit "poop".
(Billy, Jack, and Frank laugh hysterically)
Frank: This is the best night of my life.
(They continue laughing)
Old Man Clemens: I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die. - Veronica Vaughn: (to Billy) No milk will ever be our milk.
- Knibb High Principal: If there is any attempt for either contestant to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, I am just gonna snap. Do I make myself clear?
Billy Madison: Yes, Sir.
Eric: Yes, Sir. - Carl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.
Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Carl: I'm sorry.
Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Carl? - 3rd Grader: Hey look everybody, Billy peed his pants.
Billy Madison: Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.
3rd Grader: Really?
Billy Madison: YES. You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants.
3rd Grader: Hey look, Ernie peed his pants too. Alright!
Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy Madison: OOH. That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's Go. - Billy Madison: Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really.
(Notices gold swan on edge of tub)
Billy Madison: Stop looking at me, swan. - Clown: Hey, kids, it's me. I bet you thought that I was dead. But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head. HA HA HA.
- Billy Madison: (shouting) Where's my snack pack?
Juanita: You got a banana, you don't need no snack pack. - Billy Madison: (to Miss Lippy) Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog.
- Billy Madison: (drunk, he sees a fake a penguin) It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around here. I gotta send him back to the South Pole.
